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Friday, June 16, 2006

Financial Jargon for Dummies

Financial Jargon & Terminologies For The Current Times

EBITDA - Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor

EBIT - Earnings Before Irregularities and Tempering

Top-Down Investing - People with a bit of economics knowledge but scared shitless about accounting.

Bottom-Up Investing - People who knows a bit about accounting but hates fiction.

Unusual Market Activity - Something the management and directors know NOTHING about.

Averaging Down Investing - When you totally ignore the fact that you were wrong in the first instance.

Doubling Up Investing - Making doubly sure that you are more than fully-invested when the stock eventually tanks.

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO - Chief Fraud Officer

Second Board - What Second Board???

Margin Account - Shorter rope, tighter noose.

Hedge Funds - Institutionalised margin accounts.

NAV - Normal Andersen Valuation

NPAT - Never Pay Any Tax

EPS - Eventual Prison Sentence

Federal Reserve Board - Bank of Japan on Prozac.

Equity Research - As useful as a used condom.

Bloomberg - Starbucks of financial information providers.

Reuters - Toy r'us of financial information providers.

Short Term Investor - Someone who is in-and-out within 3 days or less.

Long Term Investor - A short term investor who cannot get out profitably after 3 days.

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

Technology Sector - Opportunity to throw money at things you don't understand.

Off Balance Sheet Items - More important than items in the balance sheet, and represent things that really should be in the balance sheet.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than you were last year.

Remisier - Someone who should have kept their previous job.

Investor Protection - Padded walls in broking halls.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Difference Btw A Local & Foreign House Analyst - About RM10,000-RM20,000 a month.

Stock Split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who is now locked up in a nuthouse.

Economist - Someone who tells you why their predictions went wrong.